I still have no internet and am at Southeastern’s Library trying to get some writing and publishing done. Very fast writing and not a lot of time for proofreading. So bear with me please for these next few posts!
I truly thought this ugly thing called Grief was pretty much over for me. Or at the very least I thought I have a year’s experience and knew how to handle it.
Guess I forgot what I learned in college about the five stages of Grief. I studied this for a whole semester back in 1999. I wrote papers on it even. I guess when I was in my 40s it was just a concept unlike it being my reality now that I am 67.
When my parents died I experienced grief but that was extremely different than this grief from losing my soulmate. Losing Mama and Daddy involved a different kind of grief.
I published a post yesterday about those five stages. If you didn’t read it please click here so what I am going to share will be clearer.
Those rascally stages don’t have to occur in any specific order. They just randomly hit you in the face and I think the Anger stage hit me full force recently. It feels like this anger came out of nowhere but as I’ve been writing I see it’s the result of so much change, missing my Roy, and more.
I’m not angry at God for taking Roy. That was part of His plan for Roy’s life. While I was in denial at first, I was still able to accept that and also see that Roy’s death is part of God’s plan for my own life.
I can’t really be angry at Roy for leaving me alone because I know he would have stayed if he could. Who wouldn’t want to stay with me as his wife! hahaha! I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that Roy is now deliriously happy that he is gone from this earthly life (even though that meant leaving me) since he’s living eternally with his Lord and Savior.
What I am angry about is how my life has had to change from one that was just simply comfortable and happy, even joyous, to one where so many things are a struggle, frustrating, overwhelming and hard and it just makes me angry.
Some of this is just silly like I now have to read instructions to figure out how to use things I’ve purchased. I am a hot mess of anger right now and I don’t like that. I like to be positive, uplifting, encouraging, smiley faced, joyful. Right now that’s not me. The only time I feel any of that right now is when I am at church Worshiping God, singing, learning from Bible Study, and being with other Christians. I can’t carry that with me even though I try. Reading my Bible, talking openly and honestly with God, and singing Christian songs often help a lot but right now I’m still angry. I want this to go away.
I miss being happy, I feel like I am sad a lot and overwhelmed a lot by what all life without Roy is like. I miss knowing that someone in this world understands and accepts me even with all my faults and small brain. That is really big for me. I miss the smirky smile he’d give me to cover up him doing something bad. I miss the knowing looks he’d give me when he understood something I was going through. I miss punching him on his right shoulder when he’d irritate me or make me mad. He use to say he needed to report me for spousal abuse but he wouldn’t dare!!
The things I miss really make me Angry, and lonely, which makes me angry right now. I resent being put in the position of having to just get through each day with only Buddy as my company. I like to talk (surprise, surprise!) and Roy lived with that, not necessarily loving it but it’s what a couple in love does for each other. Now you should hear the conversations Buddy and I have.
I need a new air conditioning compressor in my car. If he was here it would only cost around $500 for the parts because he would put it in. He’s not here so it’s costing me $1350.00. Going to the a/c repair shop without someone to bring me home while they inspected it and determined what was wrong meant I had to stay there while they did that. It stormed on my way home. Without a/c my windows fogged up and I had to drive about 10 mph through Hammond because I couldn’t see. Couldn’t roll the windows down to let air through to defog. Irritating things like that make me angry right now.
Don’t get me started on the injustices tht FEMA and my insurance are putting me through. Even though that is something that would have fallen to me to handle when Roy was alive at least he was there to calm me down and walk with me through it. Now he’s not and that makes me angry to handle it alone.
I think the irritations, inconveniences, work I’ve never had to do, decisions I have difficulty making alone, and more have all rolled into this Anger I am now experiencing. I’m tired of being strong, pulling up my big girl panties to get things done, stretching my small brain to its limits and more.
There is so much more that is very personal. While ya’ll probably think I share every personal detail, I do not.
Along with this Anger has come a couple of days of deep depression. Definitely a grief depression, but I fuss at myself saying “shake out of this crude, girl,” and usually I listen!
Let me talk a little about the good grief stage of Acceptance. I have accepted that like it or not, Roy is gone. He is not coming back and that’s that. I have accepted that I am alone, a widow and life has changed. I hate each of those but I have accepted them as reality.
I have learned to enjoy some of the freedoms that I now have such as getting to cut my hair however I want to. I can spend my money however I want and don’t have to consult with anyone, other than the bank balance. Those are silly but I figured something good has to come out of all this heartache and I am choosing to do those kinds of things that I never did out of respect for my husband’s desires and wishes.
There are not many really good things that have come out of losing Roy. I have though accepted the reality of living without him. I am adjusting, though slowly and not well sometimes, and am trying very hard to create a new life for myself.
To be very honest and open I am ready to move on and open myself to the possibility of a new relationship with a kind, Christian man. I want to love again or at the very least have companionship and give support and help again. Some people say they don’t need a man to complete them but I think I do. I am a strong woman and was a good wife and want to be able to be that again for the right man. I think I’d prefer a widower who would understand having had a love like I did and the grief that kind of loss brings.
I want to get to know someone slowly and enjoy the experience. Eventually I’d like that special someone to go on outings and adventures with me, laugh with, be silly with, cheer for the Saints with, cook with, share quiet moments with, sing with, pray and read the Bible with, and sit by while we are Worshiping God together at home or at church.
I want to go with that person to doctor’s appointments and hospital stays, to listen to and comfort them when the outside world isn’t so pretty, to try new recipes on, and to be the person they know they can count on through thick and thin.
It’s been over a year and I’d like to have a good, happy life again. I’ll never stop missing or loving my honey Roy. I think he would understand this need I have. I hope you understand as well.
So those are my feelings of Anger, Acceptance and being ready to move on. I hope it helps someone who has experienced this kind of loss to know you are not alone. While it does definitely get better as time goes on, there are times that some stage of grief wants attention and grabs hold of the widow or widower, clinging for all it can suck out of you.
That’s also where God comes in. He does not smooth any of it out or make it go away. It’s probably his plan that we experience some or all of the stages in a way that helps us be ready eventually to accept the loss and go on with life. I am thankful that my God is THE God and that as ugly as this gets I know He is walking beside me every inch of the way. If you don’t know THE one and only true God, as always, I would love to share what He’s done in my life with you. He’s a Big Big God and wants you to know all about him so ask. I surely don’t know everything but I have my Holy Bible as my reference book!
My heart is confident in you, O God; no wonder I can sing your praises with all my heart! Psalm 108:1
Later guys, Rosalyn