2020

11.29.20 The good, the bad and the ugly

I have permission from my friend Johnnie who is holding the gun in this picture to share it. She is one of the funniest, wonderful strong Christian ladies I know and this picture just spoke to me while writing this blog post and said “put me in it!” Thank you Johnnie for being the inspiration you are to me!

I know I am not any different than others who have lost their spouse but again I’m so thankful for this place where I can unload the good and bad times I have going through this grieving process.

Today is Saturday. I realized the last time I fell apart was also a Saturday. I’m not leaving home next Saturday.

On my way to the pharmacy this morning to buy lancets for my diabetes testing my thoughts went to how happy I am for Roy that all of his little health problems are gone now. I thought back through the problems and the tears just flowed. I am so happy he is in Heaven and pain, tremor and irritation-free now.  I told him that and wanted him to know that I love him still. I could not stop crying and I was driving. Thankfully I have kleenex in the truck and they were put to good use.

Just when I thought I was getting a grip on it I drove in front of the hospital where Roy’s body was being held for us to see him. My chest and heart hurt so much and as I pulled into the pharmacy parking lot I started thinking I can’t do this driving by where Roy was every time I need to go to the pharmacy.  But I will and am thankful that mostly I don’t have to go there but every three months. I believe I’ll be taking advantage of their delivery service for that.

My eyes were so red and I was thankful for having to wear a mask. I couldn’t find the lancets I needed so I asked the young lady to look up my records and see what I got last. I should have brought the lancet holder with me but I don’t think clearly enough to have thought to bring that. I was having trouble explaining what I needed to the lady and just started crying and couldn’t stop. I needed Roy to be with me because he would have thought to bring the lancet holder. Mr. Bud who owns the pharmacy was so kind to me and helped me figure it out.

When people say they can’t tell I have dementia I wish they could see when I can’t think well enough to convey a clear message to someone. It is absolutely horrible and so stressful. I know I am trying my best but fail all too often.

I went to Dirt Cheap which ya’ll are probably realizing that I love that place! I got several Christmas gift bags, bows, a whole bunched up bundle of Claire’s necklaces that I asked the manager if I could buy for $5 because they weren’t going to be able to sell any of them like they were. She said yes!

Then I found a prelit Christmas tree for only $26. A nice store employee brought it to the check out for me. Chip will help me put it up on the patio tomorrow. Thank goodness he’s here to help me.

When I got out to the car I tried to put the box in the truck but couldn’t get the passenger seatback to go forward or backward and just started to cry again.  Roy would have told me to get in the truck and he would handle it.  I just couldn’t get it no matter how hard I was trying.  A very kind young man came by with his wife and children and he asked if I needed help. I know that God sent that young man to me at that moment because when I was about to give up I prayed to God to help me and he sent someone to do that.

Since I don’t have many ornaments any longer I stopped at Dollar General and bought some. I ate a whole container of cotton candy which I know was bad for me but it sure put a smile on my face and I needed that.  My friend Cindy Vernon is going to teach me how she paints clear ornaments so I play to try my hand at that.

This past week was really nice. I knew it was nice but I’ve had to sit here a while to know what I did on Monday and Tuesday that was nice. I remembered finally!

Monday some young folks were coming to visit and help me but a couple was sick and they couldn’t come. I did some of the projects I was going to ask the boys to do and I tried to get things organized for Tuesday when Chad and Chip were coming to go through their dad’s tools and other “stuff”.

Tuesday with my two sons was the best day I can remember in a long time. This is a very precious photo of the two sons Roy and I raised, spanked, prayed for and loved!

Roy had some really good tools and “stuff” and they each got what they wanted. Chip had to go to work around noon so Chad and I had a nice time visiting which we never get to do. I love those boys and they are beautiful reminders to me of their dad.  On Chad’s way here he stopped and picked up the very generous gift that a young lady Roy loved like a daughter gave me. Here it is on the floor in my bedroom. It is the perfect completion of what I wanted our bedroom to look like.

Wednesday I did my Thanksgiving cooking making Sweet Potato Crunch and Spinach Casserole. That day would have been Roy and my 48th wedding anniversary and I did a lot of talking to him that day. I brought his picture that I just had put on canvas into the kitchen because he would have loved me cooking those two things.

Here’s a couple of pictures of us from the past that friends on Facebook shared with me on Wednesday.

Thursday we had a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner at my oldest son’s home. We all sat under their carport and socially distanced most of the time. I did get hugs from my grandchildren that just made my day. My son and his wife were wonderful hosts. Lots of delicious food and desserts and a wonderful time with these special family members.  My oldest granddaughter made each of us place cards and put mine right next to her!!!  Happy Grannie! The youngest picked each of the ladies a little bunch of flowers. Those children are all so special and precious to me.

These cuties love to climb as you can tell by the littlest standing in the boat.  When we arrived all four were sitting in Chad’s truck bed waiting to great us!

So my life is full of much happiness and some really sad moments. I’m glad that the happy times far out weigh the sad ones. I’ve been decorating the house for Christmas. Neither one of my sons nor Roy ever wanted to help me with that so it hasn’t been sad decorating. Chip will handle setting up the lights in the front and the new tree under the patio. Those are things Roy would have done. Roy put up with my love for decorating for each holiday throughout the year. He loved how it all looked so that made me happy.

I sold some of my Christmas plates and trivets and the cover for a dog kennel. Both were picked up on Friday. Two of the people are dear long time friends that I really enjoyed visiting with!

I have almost all of my Christmas shopping done. I’ve ordered two special things for my sons. I can’t say more or it will ruin the surprise.

I ordered a large canvas print of our family that Roy took of us last year with his drone. It will go on the blank wall in my bedroom next to a Psalm 23 wall art that hasn’t arrived yet.

Ya’ll have a very Blessed Weekend! Rosalyn

 

 

 

 

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