11.06.20 Asking for prayers

I am here asking for prayers today. I am about as low as I’ve been since Roy died. My doctor has increased my anti-depressant medicine yet I can’t seem to stop crying. I know it’s grief but it stinks.

God just sent me some wonderful help by having me punch in the wrong numbers on my television remote taking me to Alan Jackson’s Precious Memories. Every song reached my heart and I’ve been singing with each hymn since I know them so well. I’m still crying but I think it’s because I’m pouring out my heart to ya’ll and I am so overwhelmed. God is the one that is keeping me from crashing, I know that. He knows how much I miss Roy and how very difficult this is for me, living life without Roy.

I have tried to be so strong but that isn’t always possible.

My precious Madisyn is coming to spend the night and a special day tomorrow with me and Chip and I know that is exactly what I need. I just need to get all out of this so I can be the Grannie she loves and knows. She hasn’t seen me since my birthday two weeks after her Paw Paw died.

I went outside earlier trying to get out of this and watered a bunch of my flowers that haven’t been watered lately. They were happy and it helped me. Little Samson came with me and ran around me in circle after circle. He’s adorable when he does that!

I checked the mail and there was a very special sympathy card from Betsy and Wiley Traylor. It was perfect timing. That warmed my heart a lot.

I lost my phone yesterday evening. Looked and looked for it yesterday evening and this morning. Finally, I asked Roy and God to show me where it was and less than a minute later I spotted it at the very back of my sofa squeezed between the recliner mechanisms. It looked like part of the mechanism but God showed me where it is.

I do not know how people who are not saved by God get through anything much less grief.

I don’t think I’ve shared that when I went to my primary care doctor, Dr. Huge Valdes he tested my A1C and when he told me what it was I couldn’t connect the number he told me with anything. When I asked him to repeat it he said it was 14. That is deadly dangerous. It’s the way they can tell how your blood sugar was over 90 days. For a diabetic 7 is what we aim for. My highest ever in my life has been 10 and that was worrisome but this is overwhelmingly scary.

He said that the blood test for that day’s glucose level was almost 400. 90 to 120 is my target. I have to admit since Roy has been gone I’ve eaten every candy or sweet I could find. That and Grief over Roy and other stresses in my life, I know are what caused this. I also have not been taking my blood sugar readings at all which is what I tend to do when I eat sugars. Kind of like if I don’t see a high number I’m okay. My diabetic medicines have been adjusted and added to and I was sent home after some kind yet stern talking to. I see him again in a month.

The day after my doctor visit I took my blood sugar and it was 453. I stopped all sugars and carbs after that so yesterday it was down to 237 and today was 229. I am trying FINALLY and I know that would make Roy proud of me since it was always a concern of his but he couldn’t stop me from eating things I shouldn’t. When I needed knee replacement surgery, ya’ll may remember I couldn’t have it until my A1C got down to 7 from the 10 it was. I did it then and I can do it now.

I have so many other stressors in my life right now that I just cannot share here. Please pray for my unspoken requests.

One thing that is so sad is I’ve started saying my, mine instead of ours. I am learning to accept Roy’s death but the missing him is far from stopping.

I knocked another glass coffee cup out of the cabinet this morning and it shattered everywhere. All glass items may be removed from my cabinets since I seem to continue to break them. That’s just crazy.

Since writing this I’ve listened to more Alan Jackson sung hymns, did a lot of reaching out to God, read some wonderful words from scripture and took a walk around my property. That’s helped a lot. The tears have stopped and I dont’ know if I’m going to publish this. I might have needed to just get it out. We’ll see.

It’s several hours later and I decided to publish this. It may help someone having the same awful grief to know that they are not alone.

I am so thankful that I have a God who loves me and is walking through this deep valley with me every step of the way.

Ya’ll have a blessed weekend, Rosalyn